Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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