Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
