Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
