Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
