I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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