New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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