I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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