my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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