But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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