If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
