Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
