just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
