I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Even my vagina gasped.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
