I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Operation Purity has been aborted
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
