Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
handjob tips. give me some.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
