i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
