I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
