I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
