Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize