I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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