How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
