is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
