im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
