I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
