oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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