There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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