my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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