I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
