tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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