I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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