I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
