me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Randomize