I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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