I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
