if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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