People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
