I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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