i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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