This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
