i don't like sucking hair
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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