someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i think i just lost a toe
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
