I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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