I wanna passion pit in your ass
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
