Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
