it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
