Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
