am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize