You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm lost and stupid without you.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
