I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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