it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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