and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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