Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
