if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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