he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
