Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
