you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
