Cold hands, warm shart.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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