It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Gay?
German.
Pity.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
