I wish I could teleport
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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