that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
