Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
