Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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